Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12 {NIV}

My firstborn turns 18 years old today. I know it’d be very cliche to ask where the time went … yet, as I look at this photo and reflect over the years we traveled together, I can’t help but think … where did the time go?!

The other day, Taylor was riding a different horse at the barn — for reasons I won’t go into as it’d be a whole different post — but right now she’s riding a couple different lesson horses to just have some fun and get her own riding back on track.

As she poked around the arena on a verrryyyy slowwww guy, her mood was light, she had a smile on her face {few and far between these days}, and commented, “He feels just like Clover.”

I was immediately struck by the thought, “Sometimes to start fresh, you have to start at the beginning.”

You see, Taylor basically found her riding passion on that trusty ol’ mount. Even today, Clover holds a irreplaceable and special place in our hearts.

Clover was Taylor’s beginning.

Lately, she’s had some crazy trouble with her horse and needs a fresh start in riding. She needs to have fun again.

Taylor’s been struggling … with a whole lotta stuff going on in her life, she’s been struggling. And right now, as she’s turning eighteen, she feels like she needs a fresh start.

Hold on … I’m not planning on going into a “whoa-is-Taylor-she’s-had-it-so-rough” thing. Truth is, I’ve been chastised for not “letting her get over it.” Along that line and as a side note, I would like to share something about my parenting …

When my children are walking through a valley in life, I don’t stand outside of that valley and shout down to them, “Put your big girl panties on and get over it already!”

No. That wouldn’t do us any good.

Instead, I walk down into that valley with them. I take them, I guide them, I encourage them, and we put their big girl panties on together.

Meaning … I don’t sit in their valley with them. I don’t allow them to sit in their own valleys. But in order to get them out of the valley, I need to meet them where they’re at, take them by the heart, and walk them through it.

How can a child — or anyone for that matter — “get over something” when they don’t have a guide out?

Anyway.

That said, I’ve been walking Taylor through quite a few valley’s as of late and she’s desperately searching for a fresh start in her life.

Eighteen years old. A milestone birthday. Adulthood? Gaaaa … this momma isn’t too sure about that one! Talking with a friend the other day, we agreed adulthood should be changed to twenty-one or thirty-five!

Tay … my sweet Tay … I want you to know I hear you. I see you. I feel you. I pray for you. And as much as this mommy loves you with all of her heart … your Father in heaven loves you THAT much more. I can only imagine how proud He must be of you Taylor.

He’s allowed almost every trial imaginable. And you’ve persevered. Yes, it’s been through tears and anguish you’ve persevered, but you’ve also done it with unimaginable grace.

Baby, I heard this song the other day and you immediately came to mind. Sweet girl, please let your heart be wide open as you listen to each word and let God speak into your life. Listen to His promises for you …

What if every tear you cry, seeds the ground where joy will grow? Fields … acres and acres of fields of joy are what He has in store for you. I believe it Taylor.

You can lean on me and I’ll believe for you … and in time you will believe it too.

Happy birthday love. There’s no way I could be more proud of you …

Nothing Is Wasted
:: Jason Gray ::

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

{chorus}
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again

{chorus}

When hope is more than you can bear
And it’s too hard to believe it could be true
And your strength fails you half way there
You can lean on me & I’ll believe for you
And in time you will believe it too

Sometimes we are waiting
In the sorrow we have tasted
But joy will replace it
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our redeemer
Nothing is wasted

Nothing like an abandoned checker board to grab my attention, put my emotions in check, and quiet my spirit.

My life is nothing short of crazy. Truly. I really should don a red helmet and carry a hose on my back because it seems all I do is move from fire to fire.

Humor me as a share a sampling and then circle back to my thoughts?

Monday night I was on my way to a painting class/party at a friend’s house. I was pretty excited and looking forward to it. I had my Texas caviar and watermelon margaritas all ready to go!

First hitch, Taylor … my sitter for the night, was late. And. I couldn’t reach her anywhere. For over thirty minutes. Morbid thoughts started assailing me when I finally got a text from her.

With 20 minutes to spare, she finally made it home and packed up the girls to take them to dinner. The girls had friends over and Taylor had a friend, which made 7 in total so they needed to take my car. Which was fine because it gave me the opportunity to hop in my never-used sports car, and I couldn’t wait to drive with the top down and wind in my hair!

I pile everything into my car, watch Taylor back out the drive, and turn on my car raring to go. I push the button to take the roof down and nothing happens. Well … actually … I did get a “click.” But I didn’t get any roof-coming-down action. So I tried it again. “Click.” And again. “Click.”

And then. Liquid started pouring through the roof of the car onto the console. Not dripping. But pouring. A green, greasy-like fluid. It started pooling in the interior light fixtures and continued to pour onto the console.

For some reason Taylor pulled back into the drive. Now what was the reason again? Thinking … thinking … oh yeah! Money. Humpf.

But good thing, cuz I needed the keys to her car.

While she was getting me the keys, and I was getting a bucket in place to catch the unwanted, green, greasy-like matter pouring into my car … a boy comes into the driveway on his bike. Selling raffle tickets.

And since I’ve got my wallet out handing cash over to the teen, I figured I’d get a raffle ticket too.

It’s currently 6:55 and the party starts at 7:00.

As I’m filling out my raffle tickets, the boy’s dad pulls in on his bicycle. He sees our Wisconsin plates, tells me he’s from Chicago, and proceeds to tell me his life story.

They leave and I’m finally on my way.

Let’s see. Then there’s yesterday morning. Well … first, let’s quickly back up a month to some extremely extensive and painful dental work that left me with a temporary crown. Given mine and the dentist’s travel schedule, it was about four weeks out ’til I could get the permanent crown put in place. That probably would’ve been just fine. But let’s say hypothetically a milk dud might’ve pulled it out about three weeks too early. And the derned thing kept coming off, leaving me in quite a bit o’ pain!

I was thankful to finally have the permanent one put on. Yesterday morning.

When he took the temporary one off and left my nerves exposed to the air and cool squirting water that seemed so important to get in there, I just about jumped outta my chair! It seemed fruitless to get a novocaine shot for 10 minutes of work {I really do hate those shots}, so instead I sat there in excruciating, yes excruciating pain as he fiddled and futzed and made it just right.

There may have been a tear or two, or five hundred.

Meanwhile, I get a call from home. And a voicemail.

During a break {dentist, not me}, with cotton in my mouth, and tears on my cheeks, I listen to the voicemail. It’s from Wynter and it goes like this:

“Hi mom. It’s Wynter. I threw up and have throw up in my hair and I’m wondering if I should take a shower. That’s all. I love you. Bye.”

And a few more tears may have fallen {me, not Wynter}.

Anyway. Torture dentist done and I’m on my way home.

And the Invisible Fence {dog training} guy calls and says he’s on his way to the house for training {dog, not me}. “Okay, I’m on my way there and will see you soon,” I say.

And then a call from the plumber. He’ll also be at the house shortly. See, the day before a water meter guy rings the bell and explains to me that I’m using some 77 thousand gallons of water in the last few weeks, and my meter is running out of control which indicates there’s a leak in the house somewhere.

I get home and am literally bombarded as I walk in the door. Oh! and did I mention, there’s already a guy in the basement wallpapering a bathroom that had previously been torn apart due to mold in the walls?

And that I needed to get Taylor out the door to a doctor’s appointment for a pretty banged up arm {go-carting accident}?

Anyway. The crazy continued and I could go on, but after 800 words, I’m thinking you get the gist.

In the middle of all the above, I found myself standing at the kitchen table where an abandoned checker board sat. It was all set up and ready to play. Sadly, I recalled the prior evening.

In the middle of preparing Texas caviar and margaritas, Hunter asked if I’d play checkers with her. I told her I would and to set it up on the table so I could play between my prep. She took her turn and told me it was mine. I said I’d be there in a minute so she asked if she should play my turn. I told her that was a good idea.

And that’s all I remembered. And now it sat there. Abandoned.

I was up to my eyeballs in the crazy of the morning, but felt a peace overcome me as I knew what I needed to do. I found Hunter and asked if she wanted to finish that checker game.

I may be getting misty as I’m recalling the sheer delight on her face as she excitedly answered, “yes!” and ran off to find the game.

I don’t know. No big epiphany, metaphor, or analogy from me today. Just a message to say that sometimes in the middle of crazy, all it takes is a simple reminder of what’s really important in life. The crazy’ll always be there. My prayer is that my eyes are always open to what matters most.

My girl was so brave. I don’t think she had any idea what was about to hit her. But more of that goodness in a bit …

The primary focus of this writing is … motherhood. In light of my recent post on “quitting” … an experience I had in the hospital with Hunter kinda struck me to the core.

After surgery, I was brought into the recovery room where she was still completely out of it. An oxygen mask on her face, hooked up to monitors, an IV … the works. I stood next to her holding her limp and fragile hand. She would mumble in and out of her “anesthesia coma” and each time the nurse would assure her, “Your mommy’s right here. She’s right here.” And on cue, I’d get my face real close to hers, whisper her name and tell her mommy loves her.

Think about these words … “mommy’s right here.”

The world is as it should be because mommy is right here.

I haven’t hidden the fact that I’ve been struggling a bit. In life and in my parenting. My patience is at an all time low. And that’s putting it mildly. It seems every little thing sets me off. I’m at my limit and being tested constantly. I blow up. And immediately regret it. Welcome to parenting, huh? :)

But no matter how difficult I’ve been with these girls … and I’m the first to admit, I. have. been. difficult. They still love me. Unconditionally.

Sometimes I’m so worried I’m going to screw these kids up. I’m not spending enough time with them. I’m not loving enough. Caring enough. I don’t listen enough. I don’t put my phone down when I should {and pay attention to them}. I’m not disciplining correctly … or enough. I’m yelling too much. I’m impatient. All these things and self-doubt has really crept up on me lately.

But right there, in the hospital, it struck me … all they really want to know, now and forever, is that “mommy is right here.”

And girls … I promise you I am. I promise you I will be “right here” for you as long as I have breath. Thank you for your grace and thank you for loving me unconditionally … no matter what.

Whew. Okay! Anyone ready for some Huntie goodness?

Oh wait! First … do you Instagram? It’s kinda my new obsession. If you’d like to follow me, I’m tmstier. I also found this site … haven’t really played with it yet, but you can find me there! :)

So … sorry ’bout the photo dump here … but like I said, I’m a little obsessed with Instagram and I happen to be a little obsessed with my babygirl too!

So this is Hunter in the waiting room {at 6:00 am} before surgery.

She’s been admitted and given her “happy juice.”

The nurses brought her to a closet full of lovies … she picked a hedgehog.

Babygirl after surgery, trying to wake up.

Woken, and brought into her own room.

Green popsicle. “nuff said.

A setback. She wasn’t getting enough fluids and got
nauseous when they sat her up. They decided to keep
her a couple extra hours and pump a bag of fluids
into her.

Within an hour she was better and we made our way home.
After sleeping/resting/whining in my bed for a while,
we decided to get some fresh air with a walk.
Babygirl loves an opportunity to hop in the stroller.

After our walk, I got caught up in looking through the mail
while Hunter went outside. This is where I found her.
On the back patio …

Watching her sisters swim. Yeah, it kinda broke my heart too.

I was told her recovery would take a week. A week off of school.
She may not want to eat for a few days. She may be in pain.

When we got home from the hospital, this girl was ravenous
and craving goldfish and pretzels like a madwoman!

The morning after, she woke up raring to go! I seriously
contemplated sending her back to school in a few days.

And then …

My precious princess was secretly replaced with
Princess Cranky-Pants.

And it was not fun. At all.

We saw a ray of sunshine when she got some
notes from her friends at school!

This one might be a little naughty of me … but I couldn’t help it!
She would. not. give in to sleep! She was crankier than
crank and wouldn’t lay down. I got into bed and she
came and laid with me, but rolling around and ’round.
She climbed on top of me and fell asleep and
this is what I’ve been listening to for the last week …

When I was sure she was sleeping good, I rolled
her off me and let her snooze!

Finally yesterday afternoon she was feeling “a little good”
{her reply when you ask her how she’s feeling}
and so I took her into school for a half-day.
She was a bit wiped when she got home, but
I think it was good to get her back into
her routine a bit. We’ll see what today brings!

I love this little monkey! She’s tested me this past week … oh
how she’s tested me! But we also had quite a bit of fun
together … I love my babygirl and can’t wait for a
strep-free, ear infection-free summer! Woot!

I could dissect each line of this song. Each time I hear it, a different truth is spoken to me. Yesterday I hear:

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
And the voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I would choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

But backing up further to when I got out of bed yesterday morning, this is the truth I was repeating to myself:

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand
Isaiah 41:10 NLT

And to drive the point home further to me … at church during worship we sang this truth:

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
Matt Redman, You Never Let Go

In full disclosure … I’m afraid. I was afraid to land at the airport. I spent this past weekend afraid to open my front door. I’m afraid of this coming week. And I’m afraid of what the next few weeks might hold for my family’s future.

Fear is also creeping in about what the “world” thinks of me.

Yes. I’m afraid. Terrified really.

But that’s my voice of truth. It’s loud. And it’s screaming inside of me and beginning to drown out the real Voice of Truth.

I’m preparing for the battle of my life … of my family’s life … and I can’t do it on my own. I need to put on all of the armor God’s made available to me {Ephesians 6:12-19}.

Theologically, I know the promises of His Word. I know I have nothing to fear. I know He is with me.

But my spirit? My spirit is weak … and full of fear.

Have you ever found yourself feeling this way? You know, and believe what God tells us. But sometimes … sometimes the outside noise gets so loud, you can’t hear the real Truth?

That’s where I’m at. I need to shut off the noise around me and close myself in with the Truth.

I need to quiet myself, my spirit, my surroundings as Psalm 46:10 sweetly reminds me … “be still and know that I am God.”

I’ll be spending this week and possibly the next few, arming myself for the battle of my life.

Of course my mommy heart hurt for her, but her soon-to-be six year old heart took it in stride.

My girls definitely see their days of heart-pain, but I’m so forever, forever grateful that the Lord has guarded their hearts and minds.

I’m thankful their heart-banks had already been filled to overflowing with love, a secure foundation, and affirmations. So much so, that when a painful life transition came their way, they were … for the most part … able to take it in stride.

Anyway.

So it’s daddy morning and what’s a daddyless mommy to do? Continue to pour into my babygirl’s heart-bank of course!

I kept her home from school and we filled the morning with some special mommy/Hunter time …

the simple pleasure of a lollipop while getting
the car washed - my girls love the car wash!

model magic fun!

H + M
mommy loves hunter

babygirl loves all things postal!

Barnes & Noble – our fav stomping grounds

yep … mommy loves her hunter

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You are walking a long and hurtful path. You know loss. You know grief. You know loneliness.

Your courage and heart continue to amaze me. I stand in awe of you … at times taking for granted the darkness you have seen … but so in awe of the Light you are shining into those dark places {read John 1:1-9 … go ahead, read it!}.

Tay … precious Tay … you. are. beautiful.

You were made for so much more than this.  You are. so much more than this.

If all else in this world fades and let’s you down … always remember … you are treasured … you are sacred … because you are His.

You are beautiful.

And I love you … always and forever … no. matter. what!

Beautiful
:: MercyMe ::

The days will come when you don’t have the strength
When all you hear is you’re not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much

:: chorus ::
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You’re beautiful

I’m praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you’ve held inside so long
They are nothing in the shadow of the cross

:: chorus ::

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You’re the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
In His eyes

:: chorus ::

You’re beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His …

~ a five year old’s ruptured ear drum
~ cat pee in curtains
~ using face toner to remove eye makeup
~ using hair gel as face moisturizer
~ rotting roof that needs repair {in numerous places}
~ mold in the hvac system
~ having the house hepa-vacc’ed
~ unexpectedly making dinner for 15 that are homeless
~ an eight year old with a hurting heart
~ never. enough. sleep
~ living and sleeping with industrial machines and fans so loud we can’t hear each other talk
~ mental stresses too detailed to mention
~ dogs eating cat poop and dragging it through the house
~ said dog’s lunch doesn’t sit well and I’m cleaning her mess off the carpet
~ nine year old in tears thinking “Bob” {the water dragon} died.  thankful for false alarm
~ ten workers in the house sterilizing it and the air
~ consoling a teen in tears, in the middle of the kitchen with crazy literally swirling around us

And then I remember . . .

1.  A place to find joy amidst my sorrow.
6.  A husband who asks for prayer.
12.  Happy texts from daughters thankful for homemade french onion soup.
20.  Sweet notes written to the tooth fairy.
25.  Peace for today.
32.  Courage to stand up for, and share our trials.
33.  Walking in on daughters saying prayers aloud.
45.  Blessing others and filling them with wakeful joy.
53.  Taking time to slow down and listen to a hurting child.
54.  Charlie Brown band-aids stuck to my sheets.
62.  Signs revealed when we need to touch His hem.
70.  Trusting my {writing} voice.

Are you making Joy a habit?

Piper was set to have a “marathon” sleepover this weekend.  Her friend {and her friend’s sister} would be sleeping over both Friday and Saturday nights.  But when I met up with the girl’s mom {also a new friend of mine} for the transfer of weekend necessities, she told me they were surprising the girls {and their family, they have 6 kids}, with a weekend trip to the beach.  They’d just closed on their new beach house the day before.  So that meant only one night sleepover.

Only she didn’t want me to tell the girls because she was going to surprise them the next day.  My heart pretty much immediately broke for Piper, as this sleepover weekend was all she’d talked about last week!

Anyway, come Saturday morning, I covered Piper in my prayers and started thinking of some other fun things we could do that day.  A couple hours later, whaddaya know? I get a call from my friend with a crazy idea!  She invited the girls and I to go with for the weekend.  She knew I didn’t have anything else going on and said they had plenty of room.

Yes!  Yes, we’d love to go!  And when we finally told the girls, they were all ecstatic!

With my four, her six, two other friends, and 3 adults … there were 15 of us in 3 cars headed to Isle of Palms, SC!

The beach house was beautiful and well … right on the beach!  I’d never stayed on a coastal beach before … just tropical.  So this was something different for us and we all had a great time!  I even got an adult night out to dinner while all the teens stayed home with the younger kids.

Anyway.  I was worried and hurting for what I knew would be Piper’s hurting heart.  I prayed for her Saturday morning and literally a couple hours later, an unexpected blessing came our way.  It’s one small way {if you choose to look at it that way} to see that God is in the detail business.  He cares about our hurts and worries.

Ann is once again counting 1000 gifts in a years time.  She’s calling it the Joy Dare and has invited all of us to join her.  I’m in!  And so are my girls.

This year especially, I want to be uber-aware … I want my girls to be uber-aware of every detail, every blessing, every gift that comes their way.  How better to understand and recognize that God is on our side, is with us always, and cares about the smallest of details?

• sitting outside in the cool breeze looking at palm trees and beautiful blue waters
• waiting for my girls to emerge full of energy and excitement with questions of what today will hold
• mourning many, many things
• thankful for new friends at Christmas dinners
• researching
• getting ready for the release of my new ebook, 31 Days of Faith
• fighting the enemy’s lies that my ebook won’t sell, it’s not good enough, and no one cares
• thinking of a friend on a flight to Dubai
• praying for unity in my family
• thankful God has given me a voice
• deciding whether or not to tackle the 1000+ posts in my google reader
• wondering if the girls will let me take a nap today
• thankful my children are rooted in the Word of God
• sad for men that have to eat gas station sub-sandwiches in their hotel rooms far from the family they love on Christmas night
• thankful that God’s Word never returns void {Isaiah 55:10-11}
• wondering why I haven’t taken a single photo while we’ve been here
• loathing my new MS medication {I’m thinking of a post titled “stings like a bee” to share with y’all}
• wishing I could read every thought and feeling going on inside my girls … the things they don’t verbalize
• wondering if it makes sense to “force” people to like your Facebook page, or subscribe to your blog by offering a free download or something or other … I’m thinking I’d like people to subscribe because they want to … not so they’ll get something?  Just wondering …
• wishing Piper and Wynter would include Hunter more
• wishing Hunter didn’t whine so much
• debating another cup of coffee
• missing my favorite salted caramel mocha at Starbucks
• about to read the Bible expecting to find a nugget of wisdom to ponder throughout the day
• thankful for Emmanuel … God with me
• taking this week off from the blog to focus on the girls and some other writing projects
• thankful for this place to write, share, dream, encourage and inspire
• thankful for 5 year olds who love Jesus …

Update for Taylor:

• I’m thankful for daughters who trust their mothers enough to share what’s in their hearts
• I’m incredibly proud of my teen
• I’m thankful for my two furry grand-daughters
• I’m wishing my teen would focus on her schoolwork :P

“Let it be as you say!”  A few simple words of faith uttered that day.  Do you think Mary had any idea that her baby boy would one day be the Great, I Am?

Do you think she had any idea that agreeing to deliver this Child would cause her pain, trials and suffering?

This Christmas song gets me every.single.time I hear it.  I can’t listen to it without being covered in chill bumps.  “When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?”

Do you think she had any idea of the Glory to come through her simple words of faith?

By trusting God, accepting His wishes for her … her Son was Lord of all creation.

What an incredible story … example … of faith.

Oh how I could learn from Mary … “Let this happen to me as you say!”  In our human understanding and knowledge, we simply have no way of knowing what glory beholds us.  But what if we simply believe?  Believe that His plans are far greater than we could ever imagine?

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!
Luke 1:45 {NIV}

Won’t you believe with me today?

Mary Did You Know?
:: Clay Aiken ::

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know …

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you’re holding is the Great, I Am.