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I'm a redeemed child of God and the momma to four vivacious daughters. I'm passionate about finding hidden blessings in the trials of life, living it out in an honest and open way, while encouraging those around me to believe in better.

8
Dec

this is what it feels like …

I listen to Christian music almost all of the time.  I’m constantly inspired and encouraged through the lyrics I hear on my sat station, The Message.

I’ve heard the song below numerous times and have always liked it.  It wasn’t until I found out the meaning behind it, that I loved it!

Jeremy, the lead vocalist of FFH {Far From Home} had just been diagnosed with MS and decided to write this song about how he felt about it.

Amazing!

{in the video below, he sings a lot slower than the original version, so if you skip it, at least read the lyrics}

This Is What It Feels Like
So this is what if feels like to walk the wilderness
and this is what if feels like to come undone
So this is what if feels like to loose my confidence
unsure of anything or anyone
So this is what if feels like to walk the desert sand
and this is what if feels like to hear my name
and to be scared to death cause I’m all alone
but feel love and peace just the same
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to have it fall apart
to be totally unglued
and find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me, I get all of you
If this is what if feels like to be on shaky ground
Careful of every step I take
Realizing as I stop to look around
I look around and see everything a different way
and this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
and this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to just walk away
from everything I thought kept me safe
to depend just on you for every meal
and find it’s better this way
oh it’s better this way
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
like I do right now
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like

This is exactly what I’ve been talking about on my blog here … summed up in one song.

As I know you are all feeling the stress of the “holidays” … I’m feeling it too.  For some reason more than I ever have.  I’m taking everything one step at a time and {I think}, doing a really good job of not letting it all overwhelm me.  Everything seems to get done in due time, right?

Only thing is … I keep forgetting I have this little thing called MS.  Blagh!

I can’t run at the same speed as I usually do.  And I’m trying to get used to that.  Cuz I’m definitely a full-steam-ahead kinda gal.

What I kept turning over and over in my head … how in the world did I do this all when I was running a retail store on top of it!?  I realize the economy was slow, but it still was a heck of a lotta work running retail during the holiday season.  In fact, by now, I’d have most of my Spring buying done.

Anyway.

I was getting serious chest pains, and I really didn’t know why.  “Things should be easier for me this year,” I kept telling myself.  Again … duh … this year I’m dealing with MS.

I really need to stop being such a stubborn puss.  Yes … I said it.  A stubborn puss.  If someone doesn’t tell me I need to sit down and rest, I won’t.

I’m working hard at getting over that.  Well, quite honestly, maybe no one physically tells me to sit down … but my body is screaming at me to “sit down.”

I found this article through twitter and love it.  It’s so spot on.  And really, this year has been a great learning experience for me.  I’ll know next year to start well in advance.

I’ve already decided to cut off photo session dates by November {sorry!}, and I guess I need to learn to stop apologizing for taking care of myself, huh?

I ran into a casual acquaintance yesterday and as we hugged she told me she’d heard my “news” and asked how I was doing.  I was my usual perky self and said good.  She said I look great, and so it must just be a mild case.  I kinda smiled and nodded and we parted ways.

Mild?

Let’s see … my hands have started getting a whole lot shakier, it’s hard to text or email on my iphone; my face is almost constantly numb; I’ve been in much more pain than usual … including this horrible ear-ache type feeling pain, where your inner ear is yelling at you and you sort of wince from it?; I’m so super exhausted; really dry eyes; eye & eyebrow twitching; slower to comprehend things or get my thoughts together … gaaa … just stuff like that.

I digress.  Sorry ’bout that!

I suppose my carrying on was actually a good way of explaining what I go through.  I believe in this song I posted.  This is what it feels like to be led.

And this is what I’ve been going through and experiencing.  And when it starts to overwhelm me … cuz let me be real clear here … as sugar-coated and strong I sometimes sound … I absolutely do get overwhelmed by it all.

But what I have?  I have a Father who is leading me … and for that I’m forever blessed.

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Posted in blessed, movie, multiple sclerosis

 

5 Responses to “this is what it feels like …”

  1. Amy says:

    Trac, what an amazing song. You are constantly an inspiration with you strength and faith.

  2. Billie says:

    Tracie,
    I love reading your blog! You put everything into words so perfectly and beautifully. I pray that you have a blessed Christmas. Thank you for being an inspiration to all of us.

  3. Heather says:

    As some one who has always thought you could stand to slow down a bit, I’m very glad you are listening to your body. That song is amazing…I know I cannot begin to understand what you are going through, but I am so thankful that you share both your struggles and your blessings here. This road will not be easy but I know that you are in God’s hands. Love you!

  4. Leslie says:

    I think the concept of slowing down is so foreign to most women . . . and learning to listen when our bodies are telling us “ENOUGH!” is so hard! So, kudos to you for paying attention to that and forcing yourself to take care of YOU! It hurts me to know that one of my dearest friends is going through so much inside. :( You always exude beauty and grace, and I think that’s why to the casual eye, you appear perfect! :-) Always an inspiration, T. Love you!

  5. Sue says:

    And you have been leading many of us with your incredible courage. The words to the song are amazing and put what you are feeling in perspective for me. I’m sad to hear you will cut off your photo sessions later this year but I totally understand that you need to focus on yourself. Enjoy your time away and I’ll miss you not seeing your beautiful face! Much love coming your way!!

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