what forgiveness is not

Once a woman has forgiven her man,
she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.
~ Marlene Dietrich

In order to truly forgive, in the way God intends us to forgive, and with a pure heart, we need to understand and check our motives. Raise your hand if you’ve ever read or heard a message and thought, “Oh how I wish so-and-so were here for this message, they SO need it!” I admit my hand is {humbly} raised.

Many times we do things with the wrong motives and heart. Sometimes intentionally, but most times we’re not even aware. We truly desire to make a situation better and innocently think the situation would get better if the other person could “get” the message too!

Feel me?

So before we move any further, and in an attempt to purify our own hearts, let’s explore what forgiveness is not.

  • Forgiveness is not expecting someone to acknowledge their wrongdoing <– tweet this
    The fact is someone may not know they’ve hurt us, they may not care they’ve hurt us, and we may never see or speak to them again. But we’re required to forgive regardless. True story.
  • Forgiveness is not enabling, excusing, condoning, or justifying sin <– tweet this
    God forgives us without approving of our sin. We’re required to do the same. Forgiveness loves despite sin. We’ll discuss this further in the upcoming days.
  • Forgiveness is not reconciliation
    As mentioned above, you may have to forgive someone that you’ll never see again. Or after forgiving them, you might not want a close relationship with them … or they may have walked away from you. Reconciliation is restoration of a relationship and takes both parties to want a restored relationship. Quite honestly, reconciliation might not be possible.
  • Forgiveness is not forgetting
    Although we may not be able to forget, we can choose to keep no record of the wrongdoing. We’ll go into this in greater detail over the next few weeks.
  • Forgiveness is not a one-time event <– tweet this
    If we’ve been deeply hurt, even if we’ve chosen to forgive, the offense will most likely surface from time-to-time. And just because we’ve forgiven doesn’t mean we’re covered for life. We may have to make a conscious effort again and again to forgive.

Father, help us to look at our own heart and not point our finger towards our neighbor. Help us to understand the true meaning of forgiveness and enter in with a pure heart.

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{read 31 days of forgiveness from the beginning}

17 Comments

  1. Leslie October 3, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Beautifully put, my friend. True forgiveness is such a difficult topic. I consider myself a very accepting person . . . and yet I realize I harbor some deep hurts that I really need to forgive in order to truly move on. Thanks for giving me this in concrete language to pray over!

    Reply
  2. Jessica October 3, 2012 at 10:40 am

    This is so, so good. There are so many people saying “forgive, forgive, forgive,” but I think there is very little real understanding of what that means. Have you read “Real Marriage” by Mark and Grace Driscoll? Your list of “forgiveness is not…” points reminded me of a section in that book, and I greatly needed to be reminded. Thank you!

    Reply
  3. Lucy October 3, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Excellent points you make on forgiveness. To understand and check my motives has given me such an insight on my own forgiveness for myself and for others. What a gift!

    Reply
  4. Beauty of One October 3, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Beautifully put. Sometimes we forgive but for all the wrong reasons. I have been guilty of that and it is interesting how you can actually tell in your heart when you forgive the wrong way.

    Reply
  5. Stephanie October 3, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Ouch! So beautiful! I so needed this post – especially the last point, Forgiveness is not a one time event. I have always struggled with that because I assumed once I forgave once, it shouldn’t creep back up. And that always made me wonder what was wrong with me! It’s freeing to know that sometimes I might have to keep forgiving over and over.

    Reply
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  7. Hannah October 6, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Thank you for writing this series. It is just what I needed to hear! I tend to think that if only someone else would change I could forgive them but these are just fantastic reminders that forgiveness is something God requires me to do regardless of how the other person will act!

    Reply
  8. dawn October 10, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    i am catching up :)

    that last part about forgiving again & again? i just saw that illustrated on tv… a mom whose daughter had been killed told her son that she had forgiven the killer. he wondered how, but she said she had to for her own sake, and that she had to do it everyday. maybe everyday is a little much!!! but it kinda hit somethign in me…

    Reply
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