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I'm a redeemed child of God and the momma to four vivacious daughters. I'm passionate about finding hidden blessings in the trials of life, living it out in an honest and open way, while encouraging those around me to believe in better.

5
Jan

i lost my voice … part 3

Soooo … in case you happened upon this post and missed the other two, just reading this one might not make any sense. And you might wanna take a look at those other two {links at bottom of this post}. Just sayin’! :)

I’d like to start by clarifying something from the last post that might’ve been taken the wrong way … “social media covers up a multitude of underlying crazy.”

My last words were basically that I was blessed to be heading to the beach. To the outside world, it stops there and social media confirms that yes, I certainly am beach-bound-blessed. What it doesn’t show is the ten pounds of stress in my beach bag.

What I’d like to clarify … and I promise … it moves into my point of today’s post! … is that I don’t use social media to “pretend” anything. You know? I think sometimes people can be guilty of projecting a picture-perfect life through social media. That’s not me. Far from it!

As I last mentioned, and I don’t think I ever got to my point {sorry!} … is that I believe in better. I believe in inspiring others. I believe in finding hidden blessings in my life {and try to teach my girls the same}. I also do my best not to dwell on the “ugly” that happens in our lives and try to joke, or make light of it, when it does come our way. Our oven caught on fire recently and took dinner down with it. So we ordered take-out, I posted a photo of the take-out and made light of the situation.

Anyway, my very long-winded point is that I don’t try to portray perfection in my social media activity, I can joke about our craziness at times, but there’s also a whole-lotta crazy going on that words couldn’t even begin to describe. And so I don’t.

Making any sense? Still with me?

My last point {I hope!!} in “losing my voice,” is kinda what I just wrote above. There are things that happen to us or we go through that I don’t think I could even begin to describe.

I feel like I used to try. And while doing that, I made sure to have an underlying message … one I believed in and wanted to share, so as to inspire others.

But along with losing my voice, I also lost part of me. I found myself weary and wandering.

I’ve been searching for answers for several months now … how to articulate exactly what I was feeling and going through … what I still kinda am going through. And even now, I don’t think I have the proper words to share.

The closest I’ve been to getting an answer has been through an amazing study of David {of David & Goliath fame}, that I hope to share sometime soon. God promised David a blessed future … King of Israel. But David didn’t see the kingdom for 15 years! FIFTEEN! He wrote many of the Psalms we read today during that time. Crying out and lamenting to God.

David was weary and he cried out to God.

I’ve been struggling for months now. I’m weary. I’ve also grown stagnant in my faith. Dry, I guess you could say.

My faith isn’t any less. I’m not losing faith. I KNOW God is right with me. I know He’s near. I know He sees me and loves me. I know all of this. It’s just that I’ve grown weary.

Like a marathon runner who falls right before he gets to the finish line and comes crawling in? Don’t know. That analogy just popped into my head.

Anyway … why write about all of this? I guess because it’s been on my heart for so long now I needed to get it out.

I lost my voice because of a combination of things: I’m busy, busy, busy; I can’t write honestly about a lot of things happening in my life; when I try to venture out a little, I get nasty emails that I don’t like; and I’ve grown weary.

I guess the bottom line of all of this? I really want to start writing again. About all kinds of things … just like I used to. Maybe I’m hoping by airing out my heart and thoughts, it’ll give me a fresh beginning to go back doing what I love.

I lost my voice – part 1
I lost my voice – part 2

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Posted in deep thoughts, writing

 

10 Responses to “i lost my voice … part 3”

  1. Tiffany says:

    So glad to see you back at it, Tracie. I’m horrified you’ve been getting mean messages anywhere online. It is so much easier to lash out from the safety of a computer monitor but adults should know better. I know exactly what you mean about sharing the positive on Instagram, I do it too. To me, that’s exactly what Instagram excels at: Forcing us to find the positive & pretty in a sea of chaos. Keep on keeping on.
    Tiffany recently posted..Eat Your Fruits & Veggies!

  2. Lisa Mahnke says:

    I wish I could write half as well as you. But what I do know is this; you are true to who you are. Write what is on your heart and mind, with little worry about what others think. Because, my friend, it really doesn’t matter. It only matters to you and God. That’s it. Period.

    I love you, and your writing.

  3. Terry says:

    I hear you loud and clear…you have not lost your voice maybe just a bit of laryngitis. You have such a poetry to your writing that is a gift…and the way you can take any situation and relate it to the bible is always uplifting.

    Haters will always hate and cowards will always use a computer to hide behind. That is their issue and I am sorry that they feel the need to say hateful things to you.

    I wish I could help lift some of the heaviness from your heart…but just know it will get better….it always does maybe just not as quickly as you would hope.

  4. dawn says:

    xoxo
    i get it about the social media stuff… not hiding the ugly, just making the best out of what has been handed your way, and focusing on the good instead of the ick! looking forward to seeing more here again… xoxo
    dawn recently posted..friday letters

  5. Tracie – I thought it was only me who was becoming stagnant in my faith. I have been dragging my feet, not reading as much, I’m not the techie like you, and do things on social media much. I have enough to take care of and handle in my life. It is so difficult sometimes, and maybe its difficult especially for me, because I haven’t been talking to God as much. I haven’t been leaning on him as much. I haven’t been listening to him like I should. I am struggling and by you putting this out there with “your voice”, I have come to understand what is happening with me. Thank you for that! I do need to listen and rely on him and trust in him. I actually went and talked to my pastor this past week, ‘cuz I’m just not handling things well. It’s too bad some people take all that effort to be negative to you, when they could take that effort and make something good of it. You do make the best out of everyday yuck. I am a Mom of 5 —-adult children. I can only try to be as vocal as you -you haven’t lost your voice, you’ve been resting it for the long haul.

  6. Cristy says:

    We can’t be open books all the time. Some things are within our family bonds and need to be kept there. It doesn’t mean shame or embarrassment, it just means sacred to that organization.
    I’m always inspired when you share, and understand its hard to let the haters hate and move on. Oh it’s so hard to try to please everyone. They don’t know your road, or my road, and we can only do our best!

  7. Cat Moore says:

    Hey sweet friend, I just clicked on your blog for the first time in months. it’s actually the first time i’ve clicked on ANY blog in months. I was blown away when I read your “I lost my voice” posts because I’m right there with you. I could relate on SO many levels. If I’m totally honest with myself and you, I completely stopped blogging because of some deep hurts and offenses I was hanging onto from these “voices” from other people about my ministry. Sure, I know our struggles aren’t really against those people and they are against the enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy….but, the process in our flesh is so hard. The fact the he is attacking you (preaching to myself here…) is pure indication that you have a super big message that will change many, many lives. So, I’m here to encourage you, friend, keep writing. You know what….I don’t know if it helps you much, but this is what the Lord has revealed to me. That my view on blogging has changed and evolved…just like my spiritual life. for the better, that change. While I was sacred to death and really more focused on what the people saw/thought when they looked at me on social media (the ones that hurt me), the whole ordeal is what brought about the HUGE spiritual growth that led me to my new view of blogging/writing. At first I was so puffed up, I had decided I wasn’t sharing Anything about my life anymore. As my heart softened and there was forgiveness (HELLO…I my heart in forgiveness has grown because of HIM speaking to me through YOU!), I began to remember that God is FOR US so then who can be against us! He will use it. But we are His instruments and I’m pretty sure I can find the scripture that talks about us using our talents if I need to. But, I don’t think I need to….. ;) Love you to the moon and back and I miss you!

  8. Abbie says:

    This post hit home. I’m right there with you. You’re not glossing over your life to make it pretty. No one wants to see the ugly, honestly. We all have background stories that we don’t need to disclose. But, I think we’ve almost come accustomed to sharing, and when we just can’t, it makes it hard to find words that ARE pretty and inspirational. And… being weary. I am so there right now. I’m struggling with the weight and just freaking tired. It’s like you have a window into my brain right now. ;) Love you!
    Abbie recently posted..Welcome

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