I'm a redeemed child of God and the momma to four vivacious daughters. I'm passionate about finding hidden blessings in the trials of life, living it out in an honest and open way, while encouraging those around me to believe in better.

10 Jan

i lost my voice … part 3

Soooo … in case you happened upon this post and missed the other two, just reading this one might not make any sense. And you might wanna take a look at those other two {links at bottom of this post}. Just sayin’! :)

I’d like to start by clarifying something from the last post that might’ve been taken the wrong way … “social media covers up a multitude of underlying crazy.”

My last words were basically that I was blessed to be heading to the beach. To the outside world, it stops there and social media confirms that yes, I certainly am beach-bound-blessed. What it doesn’t show is the ten pounds of stress in my beach bag.

What I’d like to clarify … and I promise … it moves into my point of today’s post! … is that I don’t use social media to “pretend” anything. You know? I think sometimes people can be guilty of projecting a picture-perfect life through social media. That’s not me. Far from it!

As I last mentioned, and I don’t think I ever got to my point {sorry!} … is that I believe in better. I believe in inspiring others. I believe in finding hidden blessings in my life {and try to teach my girls the same}. I also do my best not to dwell on the “ugly” that happens in our lives and try to joke, or make light of it, when it does come our way. Our oven caught on fire recently and took dinner down with it. So we ordered take-out, I posted a photo of the take-out and made light of the situation.

Anyway, my very long-winded point is that I don’t try to portray perfection in my social media activity, I can joke about our craziness at times, but there’s also a whole-lotta crazy going on that words couldn’t even begin to describe. And so I don’t.

Making any sense? Still with me?

My last point {I hope!!} in “losing my voice,” is kinda what I just wrote above. There are things that happen to us or we go through that I don’t think I could even begin to describe.

I feel like I used to try. And while doing that, I made sure to have an underlying message … one I believed in and wanted to share, so as to inspire others.

But along with losing my voice, I also lost part of me. I found myself weary and wandering.

I’ve been searching for answers for several months now … how to articulate exactly what I was feeling and going through … what I still kinda am going through. And even now, I don’t think I have the proper words to share.

The closest I’ve been to getting an answer has been through an amazing study of David {of David & Goliath fame}, that I hope to share sometime soon. God promised David a blessed future … King of Israel. But David didn’t see the kingdom for 15 years! FIFTEEN! He wrote many of the Psalms we read today during that time. Crying out and lamenting to God.

David was weary and he cried out to God.

I’ve been struggling for months now. I’m weary. I’ve also grown stagnant in my faith. Dry, I guess you could say.

My faith isn’t any less. I’m not losing faith. I KNOW God is right with me. I know He’s near. I know He sees me and loves me. I know all of this. It’s just that I’ve grown weary.

Like a marathon runner who falls right before he gets to the finish line and comes crawling in? Don’t know. That analogy just popped into my head.

Anyway … why write about all of this? I guess because it’s been on my heart for so long now I needed to get it out.

I lost my voice because of a combination of things: I’m busy, busy, busy; I can’t write honestly about a lot of things happening in my life; when I try to venture out a little, I get nasty emails that I don’t like; and I’ve grown weary.

I guess the bottom line of all of this? I really want to start writing again. About all kinds of things … just like I used to. Maybe I’m hoping by airing out my heart and thoughts, it’ll give me a fresh beginning to go back doing what I love.

I lost my voice – part 1
I lost my voice – part 2

Posted in deep thoughts, writing

8 Jan

i lost my voice … part 2

I’ve been thinking about these posts for a long while now. Pondering whether I should share my thoughts or not.

You see, being busy, busy, busy is more of an excuse why I’m not writing. And while it’s a very real excuse, it is just that … an excuse.

Because we make time for what’s important to us, don’t we?

Excuses aside, the reason I stopped writing is because I lost my voice.

All of this has been brewing inside of me for months now. I want to write again … desperately. But I’ve been stifled.

And then, leave it to good ol’ Pinterest … I saw this article pinned and it screamed at me to share my thoughts.

Number 5. Don’t lose your voice.

And there just might be another one or two I can relate with. But mostly it was the DON’T LOSE YOUR VOICE, that screamed at me! {just like that too, in all caps!}

As I mentioned the other day, I really do live as an open book and I’ve pretty much always written that way too. And when some things happened that I couldn’t write as an open book anymore, I found myself treading lightly in my writings.

And then I’d get “hate” comments. On my blog, on Instagram. Emails. Amazon and B&N reviews of my books.

I’m not the kind of person who lets those sort of things get to me. I don’t dwell on them. Sure, it sucks and hurts … I’m human. But life is short, I’ve got a limited amount of physical and emotional space, and frankly … bigger fish to fry!

So I shake it off and move on.

And then it happens again. And again. And slowly, I don’t know what to write anymore … or how to write anymore. Cuz it really does take the wind out of ones sails when they’re being attacked.

Also? {warning, this leads off onto a bit of a rabbit trail!}

I always … always, always … try to be inspiring in what I write. Believing in better … it’s what I stand for.

Despite what social media shows, most days are a struggle for me. Either my health, the kids, our situation, or the crazy that somehow falls upon us! #neveradullmoment seems to be our hashtag for life!

Just for kicks, let me share a sample. Last week, on vacation, we were all getting ready to go to the beach. Ahhh … the beach some might think. And yes, I’m thankful we had the beach before us and I might’ve even posted a beautiful photo from the beach when I got there …  but what I failed to mention was the crazy I’d just been faced with.

Sorry … off track … my point is that social media covers up a multitude of underlying crazy.

So we’re getting ready to go to the beach when Hunter comes into the room saying her underarm was itchy and hurting. I take a look, and wouldn’t you know? Her skin strep/staph infection had returned even worse than the first time. She had open wounds all over her underarm. We’re on a third-world deserted island and I was trying like crazy to get her a very-hard-to-find {in the States!} topical ointment. And also an antibiotic.

When in comes Piper with a bad bloody nose.

While my mom was voxing to see if I could load a video that Piper desperately wanted to see. {I love you mom!}

In the meantime, I was also trying to process a message I’d just gotten from our vet. Taylor’s new puppy, Mocha, was attacked at the kennel by another dog and had wounds on her face they needed to take care of … so the kennel sent her over to the vet for clean-up and observation {they were worried about brain swelling}. That had happened the day before, but what I was trying to process was a new message from the vet.

While Mocha was eating, she choked on her food and died. Fortunately, because they were already worried about her and watching her closely, a technician was right by her side while Mocha was eating. The tech immediately intubated and resuscitated her and she fully recovered.

So while all of the above was happening, I was also trying to get more information from the vet. And also knowing I wouldn’t be able to tell Taylor until we returned from our vacation … or I’m pretty sure she would’ve swam home … it was killing me to keep this information from her.

All that while trying to get ready to go to the beach. “Ahhh, but the beach,” some might think. Yes, the beach … with a ten pound beach bag of stress.

{please join me Friday as I finish up my thoughts?}

I lost my voice – part 1
I lost my voice – part 3

Posted in deep thoughts, writing

6 Jan

i lost my voice …

Hello? Hello?

I’m not entirely sure if anyone is still out there? If by chance there is, then it’s no secret to you things have been pretty darn quiet around here!

There’s been a whole lot going on in my neck of the woods. We’ve been busy, busy, busy {I’m currently reading Phil Robertson’s book, Happy, Happy, Happy. If you’re a Duck Dynasty fan, play along with me and read “busy, busy, busy” with a slow and lazy drawl?}. It seems I drop the girls off at school and run non-stop all day … appointments, meetings, doctors, dentists, school lunch & reads, riding lessons after school, groceries, laundry, cleaning, a teen who’s being homeschooled again and doesn’t like to be left alone, and sometimes if I can plan it just right and don’t end up with a sick kid at home, I actually get to have a fun day antiquing or lunch with a friend!

Anyway. You get the picture and I’m sure you all know exactly what I’m talking about. This year flew by! I look back and wonder what I did with it! At times it seems I’m running from one crisis to the next with no down time in-between.

Piper commented recently this was the fastest year in her life! You know if it went fast for an eleven year old, us adults be in real big trouble!

All that busy, busy, busy aside {remember – slow, lazy drawl!}, there’s a bigger reason things have been so quiet ’round these parts …

I lost my voice …

Not literally. Cuz you know, with typing and all, I guess I don’t need a literal voice.

But inside – inside where my heart, my thoughts, and my “voice” live – I lost them.

I’ve always considered myself an open book. Especially here. I cringe actually, with some of the things I’ve shared here in the past! Not regret. Just can’t believe how open I’ve been. But that’s okay with me. That’s who I believe I am.

And then some things happened. I still shared in the ways that I could. At first, I went gonzo-creative {example here} — and am so thankful my blog is about all sorts of facets of my life, that gave me the freedom to share more than just thoughts or happenings in my life.

After I ran my creative bone into the ground and started to “feel” some of the things we were facing, I would cautiously write about some of my thoughts and feelings.

I’ve got a lot of thoughts on this subject and will be finishing them up in a separate post {or two … or three} … I hope you’ll join me over the next few days as I continue to share my thoughts.

I lost my voice – part 2
I lost my voice – part 3



Posted in deep thoughts, writing

11 Oct

deep sighing …

I was holding my teen the other day when I felt it …

A deep sigh.

In a conversation a while ago with my dear friend Terrie, we talked about this thing we found ourselves doing rather frequently … sighing.

Deep sighing.

We discussed our theories on why that may, or may not be … our deep sighing that is … and just resigned to the fact, sometimes a girl’s just gotta do some deep sighing.

So when I saw this image on Pinterest recently, I thought of her immediately and had to send it.

She understood.

It’s true. Sometimes you just cannot sigh quite deep enough.

So when I was holding Taylor and felt her deep sigh, I remembered this image, and my conversation with Terrie and I thought I’d write about it.

And then of course, with that seed planted, I started becoming aware. Of other sighing being done around me.

When I hold my youngest — after she’s had her feelings hurt by her sisters — and she’s on my lap crying and finally I feel it.

A deep sigh.

Or when I’m walking a horse out, and he’s anxious or moving quickly … and then?

He sighs deeply. And relaxes. And decides to walk calmly beside me.

When I looked up the definition of “sigh,” I was surprised by one of the definitions and it actually brought tears to my eyes — for Terrie, for Taylor, and even for myself:

“feel a deep yearning for {someone or something lost, unattainable, or distant}”

No wonder there are days we can’t quite sigh deep enough.

In doing a little Biblical research, I learned there were many times David {as in King David who was hiding in the wilderness from his enemy Saul} wrote about his “sighing and suffering” in the book of Psalms.

Just like David did, we need to find comfort in God’s unfailing love for us. “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.” Psalm 13:5-6 {NIV}

In Mark 7:31-35, we read about Jesus looking up to the heavens and DEEP sighing as He was about to heal a deaf man who could hardly talk. Matthew Henry’s commentary says {paraphrasing}, “He sighed; not as if he found any difficulty in working this miracle, or obtaining power to do it from his father; but as if expressing his pity for the miseries of human life.”

I cried when I read this too. It was as if Jesus too, was sighing — or feeling — “a deep yearning for something lost, unattainable, or distant.”

I found a beautiful article from Arthur Pink, written in 1947, titled, “Prayer Sighs.” If this topic interests you at all, I encourage you to read it. Here’s a small piece of what it says:

“So by prayer sighs, we mean those agitations and breathings of soul which are virtually synonymous with groans. A “sigh” is an inarticulate declaration, an indistinct cry for deliverance. The saints are sometimes so opposed and troubled, that they cannot find language suited to their emotions: where words fail them, the thoughts and feelings of their hearts find expression in sighs and cries.”

If you’re in a season of deep sighing — whatever the reason may be — I pray you find hope today in this promise:

“And those the LORD has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.” Isaiah 35:10 {NIV}

Posted in deep thoughts, random

27 Sep

a perfect world …

At times, it amazes me to find out what my girls think about.

The other day I was driving here and there {and everywhere} with Hunter and Wynter. When out of the blue Hunter asks something about how so many of us got here. Not a “birds and the bees” type question {thank heavens!}. It was more of a “pyramid effect with people” type of question.

I took a deep breath and was about to answer when Wynter informed me, “I got this one mom.” She was sitting in the front with me, so as she was saying this to me, she also reached over, patted my arm, and nodded her nine-year-old-full-of-wisdom head with reassurance.

And then she proceeded to tell Hunter all about Adam and Eve, and the garden of Eden.

How God created Adam out of dust … how Eve was made with one of Adam’s ribs … how they disobeyed God and couldn’t live in the perfect garden anymore … and how Adam and Eve had children, who had children, who had children, and so on.

Hunter was satisfied with her answer — and was thrilled to find out that means she’s somehow, somewhere related to her little bestie at school! :)

But Wynter seemed somehow unsatisfied. And she talked about the garden again. And how they really shouldn’t have disobeyed God. And if they hadn’t, we could still be living in a perfect world.

“Can you imagine that, Wynt?” I asked.

Staring out the window, deep in thought, and from the depths of her soul, she answered, “I think about it all the time, Mom.”

And my heart kinda burst into bits.

For her. For me. For all of us.

“He’ll wipe every tear from their eyes.
Death is gone for good—tears gone, crying gone, pain gone …”
Revelation 21:4 {Message}

There seems to be so much pain and suffering all around us. Every which way we turn … tragedy after tragedy. It’s hard at times to hang on to the hope His promises bring.

For anyone suffering today. For anyone who — like my soulful Wynter — thinks about a perfect world “all the time,” I encourage you, as I’m encouraging myself and my littles, to cling to the Truth found in Romans 8:18, “Now I’m sure of this: the sufferings we endure now are not even worth comparing to the glory that is coming and will be revealed in us.”

If you have some extra time, it’d be so worth it to take a listen to the promises found in this song {based off of the two scriptures I’ve referenced in this post, and also from the pain of losing his first wife to cancer}.

Until that glorious day when all glory is revealed, I’m so thankful we have people around us to encourage, lift, and remind us of the hope found in Him.

Posted in deep thoughts, hunter, random, wynter