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I'm a redeemed child of God and the momma to four vivacious daughters. I'm passionate about finding hidden blessings in the trials of life, living it out in an honest and open way, while encouraging those around me to believe in better.

5
Sep

she’s gone …

She’s gone. Not gone, gone. But definitely, sorta, kinda gone. For two weeks now. And you know what? We’re doing okay.

Taylor & I on her first day of 2nd grade {I couldn’t find a kindergarten photo}.
And us a few minutes before I drove away, leaving her in Savannah.

Leading up to her departure, I kept thinking I must be in some kind of denial, because I felt like I wasn’t as sad as I should be. Over the last couple of years, I’d often wonder how I would react when it was time for her to leave. I wasn’t really sure if I’d be grief-stricken, or if I could gently let her go.

I’ve heard of, and personally seen mothers who are emotionally distraught for days – weeks even – when their children leave for college. I could get all philosophical and offer some deep thinking theory about helicopter parents who find their identity in their children. And others could argue those parents might just love their children more than those who can easily let them go.

But when I would think about Taylor leaving for college, I really never pictured myself emotionally distraught when the time came.

I was never a parent who cried when kindergarten started, or ended. Or they graduated one milestone or another. I would see other moms all weepy and … well … emotional … and I would secretly wonder if there was something wrong with me. Why didn’t I love my girls as much as those mothers loved their children? Surely if I was a good mom and loved them enough, I would be feeling more emotion over these milestones?

And then a deep discussion a couple of years back, with my good {and wiser than the wisest of wise-owls} friend Terrie, put it all into perspective for me.

She wasn’t a mom who got all weepy and emotional either. And she put into words for me, what I never could.

The reason she doesn’t respond to milestones in an emotionally distraught way, is because her excitement – for them – over the next milestone, far outweighs any sad emotion for the milestone they’re currently leaving.

#deepthoughtsbywiseterrie

Yes!! That’s it exactly!

Not in a way that I’m wishing their childhood away. But as they leave one milestone and prepare to enter another, I can’t help but feel excited for the new opportunity and growth I know they’ll be experiencing.

And so it was with Taylor leaving for college.

Here’s what I posted on Instagram the night I got home from Savannah:

i put the final touches to her apartment and made the long drive home. we both did better than i thought … just a few tears, and we pretty much chatted my whole drive home. we can be in the same house and use our phones to communicate. so I’m going with that. it’ll be like she’s in her bedroom texting or calling, and I’m in the kitchen getting dinner ready. there’s nothing wrong with pretending, right?

the thing is, right or wrong, for better or worse … taylor and I have been everything to each other these last few years. we didn’t have anyone else, and leaned on each other. without a spouse, companion, or best friend … she’s kinda been my everything. that person I count on at the end if the day to spill everything about my day. single moms of older teens, you must know what I’m talking about?

with taylor leaving, my daughter left, but I’ve also lost my companion and best friend. I’m going to miss her … so much … but outweighing any sadness for myself is the absolute, deep-down joy I feel for her! I am thrilled she is starting this next chapter of her life. a chapter full of wonder and possibility. the world is hers for the taking and I can’t wait to watch her soar!

taylor tried out for the scad equestrian team this morning. she found out this afternoon she made the team and she’s already had a team meeting tonight. to think back just a year ago and how uncertain her future was … to today and seeing her dreams start to come true. what a true testament to God’s promises in our lives.

tay … I’m a broken record … but I love you dearly and simply couldn’t be any prouder of you. congratulations on where you are right now, at this very moment in your life. take it in and celebrate how far you’ve come my girl.

It’s true. We had a few tears, we are going to miss each other. We have a deep, deep connection and bond {that I’m forever grateful for}, and it is going to be hard to not have her near me each day. But my excitement for her FAR, FAR outweighs any sadness I feel for myself.

Taylor deserves to have this beautiful next chapter in her life. She’s worked hard for it, and it’s finally here. How can I be anything but full-of-joy for her?!

And seriously, we’ve talked non-stop since she’s been gone. Endless texts each day – sprinkled with a few urgent phone calls – and it’s like she’s never left. Except I can’t hug her. That part we don’t like very much at all. Taylor‘s a girl who definitely needs her hugs.

So there you have it. A few people have asked how I’m doing, how I’m holding up, and that they’re praying for me. I’m so thankful to have you all in my life, and I’m eternally grateful for your love and prayers!

The short answer to how I’m doing? I’m really okay! My heart swells with joy each time I think of Taylor following her life path and dream. Sadness = 2 vs. Joy = 98 … those are odds I can live with!

All that to say … I’ve only called the police once to check in on her! True story. I wish it weren’t. But it is.

Stop back on Thursday and I’ll share my story of being that mom!

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Posted in parenting, taylor


6 Responses to “she’s gone …”

  1. Terry says:

    Taylor will do great..just as you will! You have laid the foundation and have been there for her….and as you said she is a phone call or text away…which I know isn’t always the best when they are so far away….Look forward to hearing all about her new adventures…as well as yours!

    Love ya~

    Terry

  2. Lisa Mahnke says:

    Welcome back friend, missed you here! I totally know the feeling, felt like a bad mom cause I was kinda happy when they went back after the summer break. Part of it is selfish: clean house, less laundry, less cooking, quiet time, one less bathroom to clean (if I can keep Jim out of it) etc. But, I love my children more than life itself. I have taught them (hopefully) to grow up, be on their own, and live their lives! That is a good thing! At least that is my story, and I am sticking to it!

    Only good things come from letting go…somewhat at least. Love you friend!

  3. dawn says:

    oh friend… i am anxious for that next story! but terrie is so right, and the way i am, too. i am just so excited for them! it is a good, good place to be. so glad to hear your voice here!
    dawn recently posted..before {and after} the rain…

  4. Beth Gronland says:

    I completely agree with you, yes sad a little, but so excited for what that first year of college brings to a person is just beyond words!!! A person you gave birth to, grew up with, watch the falls and the dusting off and trying again only to accomplish their goal with a smile on their face! I love that part! Or when the phone rings and they just want to say “Hi”!!! “Things are great, I just got a new friend!” and even those phone calls when they just need you……..Life is great and I agree with Terri :)

  5. […] you’ve read Tuesday’s post and you’re back to read about a paranoid momma calling the police to check in on her daughter, […]

  6. Melanie says:

    I’m with you…looking forward not behind! So happy Taylor has found her college fit. Happy for all!

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