Sigh. These were hard chapters for me to read. 3 out of 4 of them talk to the important role a dad plays in a young girls life.
The last time I saw my real father, I was 9 years old. And the last words he ever spoke to my sister and I were, “You’re not my girls anymore.” As difficult as you can imagine that to be … all wasn’t lost, as we were blessed with an incredible man when my mom remarried a few years later. Of course, I didn’t see our immediate blessing in the situation, but as I grew, I began to understand how much my “dad” loved me.
He was older and already had children of his own, so we didn’t share a lot of the intimate and important relationship building things that Dr. Dobson talks about in these chapters. But one thing was clear … and that is his love for us. Along with that, and the unwavering, unconditional love of our mom … my sis and I made it just fine.
My immediate heartache though, lies with my oldest. Her father and I divorced when she was 3. And while she still sees her father and talks to him regularly and he’s a good man and loves her with all his heart. There are some key relationship factors missing. One, he lives out of town. Two, he’s not saved. Three, he completely underestimates how significant he is in her life. My heartache goes even deeper though … with the current relationship she shares with her stepfather. My husband. Who also isn’t saved. And who also underestimates {no matter how often I try to share with him} how significant he is in her life.
Well. I could write forever about that subject … but I’m guessing you’re here for our third book club discussion on “Bringing Up Girls.” My only point is that I know the pain of not having a father. And also seeing my daughter struggle through life without a father figure. I’d love to encourage you to share this post with your husbands and show them just how strongly an impact they have in their daughters lives.
So … without further adieu, let’s get on with it, shall we? Please join me over at MODsquad where I dive into chapters 7-10 of “Bringing Up Girls.” And heck, you’ve already half the post here, so you’re ahead of the game! ;)
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I ache for you. And I’m not here for the book club – I’m here for YOU! Honey, you are a daughter to the KING – your FATHER – the One who shouts – YOU ARE MINE!! You belong in HIS FAMILY – Eph 2:19 – read it please. I love you – hugging you fiercely in prayers today!!
Stef
my situation was a bit different. my mother was my father’s second of three marriages. i was my dad’s second child of four total, and first of only two living for my mom. i was 4 when they divorced. there was court-ordered visitation of every other weekend in place. one friday night he was late to pick us up. he finally came but only to tell my mom he wasn’t taking me & my brother for the weekend. i was devastated since that was the age i loved my daddy most. he was prince charming & i was going to grow up & marry my dad, i thought. might sound strange, but he was my hero. and hey! i was 4. i didn’t get it. when my dad said no to taking us, i begged & cried & pleaded. he told me “i don’t even want you.” with that, he turned and left. i was never the same after that.
eventually visitation continued, perhaps at the insisting of my soon-to-be stepmom. despite dad still picking us up regularly, i was determined from that point on that my dad WOULD want me as his daughter. and i went through a two step-fathers, growing up. they were ok, but they weren’t my dad. therefore all my efforts went into doing everything i could think of so he’d want to be there. if he didn’t want to be close, i’d find a way so that he couldn’t resist wanting to be my dad. i’d try to be cute & funny & witty. i’d get straight a’s on report cards. whatever i could possibly do to make him proud of me. i wasn’t a boy so i couldn’t play football, which was his favorite, so instead i was either on dance team or cheer squads so i’d be at all the same games he’d be at. so we’d have something to talk about. and we’d talk. saturday nights he’d sit at the kitchen table cleaning his gun collection. i’d help. when i was old enough to attend church & school dances, i’d go & then come home and we’d talk about it all & whatever else was on his mind while we cleaned guns. same was true when i started dating. we’d clean guns into the early hours of Sunday morning. i’d tell him everything, hoping he’d see my trust and he’d want to be there. i moved in with my dad for my junior year of HS and it continued to be great for a while. however, stuff happened that once again changed all that.
i wound up pregnant at 17. my dad was a great support-his initial reaction was “you aren’t the first, you won’t be the last. we’ll get through this.” my stepmom, however, with whom my relationship had always been strained as she felt i threatened her marriage, did not handle it well. she saw it as a reflection of her & her parenting (even though my mom raised me until my junior year & it said nothing about any of my parents, just about mistakes i had made). so she wound up kicking me out when i was 7 months along. i moved in with my older half sister temporarily. and to save his marriage, communication with my dad was minimal. i took it all very hard. once i’d finished that year of school, i moved back in with my mom. i finished my senior year and then moved out on my own, just me & daisy. spent all those years continuing to cultivate & secure a safe friendship with daisy’s father-who is still one of my most cherished friends. eventually i ran back into my future husband, he & i grew up together in our little farming community, and we were married in ’02. all was well with everyone in my life except my dad & his wife. communication had improved over the years with my dad…though he’s sometimes have to sneak over with my younger half-sister to pay me & daisy a visit. matter of fact, he & my younger sister had to sneak over to the hospital to meet daisy the day she was born. my dad came to my wedding. he made as many attempts/efforts as he could to be there for me as i think was within his nature & ability at the time, no matter what time that was in his life. do i think he meant to say “i don’t even want you” way back when? no i don’t think so. no matter how much it hurt to hear as a 4 year old (and with as little as i understood about being a divorced parent, in their 30’s, and all the confusion in his life). i look back now & i can understand that much in life is said unintentionally. oftentimes we say things for lack of a better way to express what’s inside our minds. i get that now. i didn’t get that then. confirmation of that came years after the initial offense.
my stepmom & i made up in ’04. things are well with our world, and we celebrate birthdays & holidays together even. out of his 4 children, 3 of us are her stepchildren. of us 3, i am the only one my stepmom’s on good terms with. she doesn’t speak to the oldest. she barely speaks to my brother, and only if she can’t avoid it. (she has major issues, that’s a whole other story.)
following the repair of her’s & my relationship, my father & i were talking one night. he said to me, “keely, of all my kids, you’re the one i don’t worry about.” it sent shudders of warmth through my body. i knew my mission had not been in vain. of all his kids, i was the one he knew best. he knew what i was made of. he knew i loved him. he knew i could take care of myself. he knew i had a strong, unrelenting relationship with God. he didn’t worry about me.
i know he didn’t mean to say he didn’t want me. he simply didn’t have the right words at the time. he didn’t know himself well at the time, nor did he fully comprehend the tenacious daughter he had on his hands.
probably many dads are like that. unfortunately they don’t realize the damage their inability to comprehend does. your daughter’s a magnificent girl. her dad may not fully grasp the need for his presence in her life; your husband may not fully get this same NEED for his positive impact on her life either. (and this isn’t a guy vs. girl kinda thing) but the delicacies of raising a girl is sorta outta their reach. they don’t get it because they’ve never been a girl. they don’t know. that’s why God gives them us. to help them understand it. and why He gives our daughters us as well. so we can be our daughters’ champions.
my daughter’s dad, like i said, is a great guy. like my dad, though, he’s extremely bullheaded. so he’s one that you can’t put the pressure on. i watched my mom handle my dad’s stubbornness by taking him back to court every other day it seemed. this only enraged my father. which then put strain on his & my relationship. i never wanted resentment to be something my daughter felt or experienced. so, court was out of the question when it came to her dad & i. we were able to come to an agreement as far as raising her was concerned & we eliminated the need for court-ordered child support. many people criticize me for this. however, 1) he was still also a JS junior when i got pregnant. what was best for him, our daughter, and his future family was for him to finish HS, and to graduate from college. that was priority. if he’d had to quit either of those to pump gas to pay child support then it would not be healthy for her emotionally. so he graduated HS, he graduated college, he even served 2 years in the peace corps. he taught at portland state university & is currently an editor for a magazine based in portland. he’s not making tons of money, but he & his daughter are happy & healthy in their relationship. that doesn’t mean he hasn’t financially contributed though. during school he would work summer jobs & give part of his earnings to me to help her out. when she’d have camps or dance or whatnot, he’d help with that too. God blessed me with the ability to provide for daisy & i without her dad having to pitch in every month. when i married my husband, the two of us discussed it & went to her dad. we felt we could support her financially just fine. all we asked is that whatever he would’ve paid into child-support, had things been different, he put into a savings account for her college. he agreed to do so. that doesn’t mean everything is perfect, since he’s a writer money isn’t a constant flow…the magazine he works for can only pay him when they get paid. but, he’s unrestrained when it comes to his love & appreciation for his daughter. when he can make it up to visit, he does. we’ve never kept her from him or his family. and God willing, it has worked out well. they have a great relationship with her, and most all parties involved, thankfully have great relationships with God as well. daisy’s dad is quite sure where he stands with God, and hasn’t for some time, but he’s still a good person. and hopefully he’s able to see more & more the light of Christ in his daughter and her life. perhaps it is through her that He will come to accept the Lord himself.
but what can we do further for these dads? continue to pray for them. not sure if either of the dads in your daughter’s life are big readers…but i know you are. when you get a chance, pick up a copy of the book “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know” by Dr. Meg Meeker. it’s eye-opening to say the least.
another favorite book of mine is “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. now, granted your no longer married to your oldest’s dad, but i believe the principle remains the same. as long as our children are still our stewardship, we have power available through praying for aspects of their lives. we almost have a responsibility to pray for their fathers even if they’re not our husbands. does that make sense? anyhow, i’ve seen many miracles in my daughter’s life because of prayer & trusting God’s approach he would have me take. and in reflecting back on my own relationship & journey as a daughter, prayer was a large part of it all even back then.
God knows. He’s aware. not only of the heartaches, but of our efforts. He finds a way to eventually make up the difference. part of each of our individual trials is the timing. sometimes the timing can be one of the greatest irritants along the way, but our diligence in enduring qualifies us for the sweetest rewards in the end.
i think that’s what i got in my dad’s “…you’re the one i don’t worry about.” he became my best friend because i made sure of it. if he could only come 25% of the way, then God told me to go the 75%. the pay off was not only his comment, but the sweetness of the connection & confirmation that he finally got it.
hang in there. all’s not in vain. if we don’t see the fruition of our efforts immediately, we will see the reward eventually.
::biggest hugs::
reading your comment and the one above makes my heart so heavy. i can’t fathom a parent saying something so hurtful to a child. i’m so sorry. i just started reading this book, so i’m kind of late to the game, but so far i love it. i want my daughter’s father to read the two chapters about being a part of her life. we are together, but not married…..something i question myself about all the time. we’ve both been married before and the thought of ever going through another divorce again and now with a child involved scares me to death…..there are just things i question about the r’ship…..one being that God isn’t a priority in his life. he has been saved before though so i guess there is still hope that he will let Him back in his life. maybe i want too much? i ask myself that all the time and wonder if my expectations are too high.